It’s so pathetic

how desperate I am to hear someone tell me they appreciate me and think I’m doing okay at life.

Because apparently I can’t live without some form of acknowledgment from other people. 

Fucking parasite. 

I hate wanting to die.

just a self-pitying rant. You were warned.

It’s kind of extremely pathetic how much guidance I need. Like I can’t make a single move by myself without freaking out over whether or not I messed up. I’m so afraid of failing, so I think it’s easier not to try, but then of course I curl up in on myself with pity when I realize I’m going nowhere. I’m so scared, and it’s because I know there isn’t always going to be someone to help me. For almost four years I had someone helping me, and that’s no more… It’s a sad realization I was surviving through other people, and now that I’m alone, I’m scared. 

I sit here, and I want to accomplish something. I want to ace psychology, and I want to win some kind of art competition, but I never do anything about it. They’re just ideas, and I smile to myself thinking how great I’d feel if it happened, but it fades with time. I’m too much of a coward, and I need to stop that. And I need to do it on my own, no matter how much I wish someone would be there to try and push me. No one is, and no one will be. I have to realize it’s just me right now, and I have one more year to prove myself. One more year in this school to show I’m worth something. I’ve been nothing but a face in the hallway for all these years, I haven’t done a single recognizable thing. 
My work it mediocre and my grades are just decent… But I want to be something, and I know sitting here typing this won’t help me much in that aspect. I have to change something, soon. 

I can’t keep crying over myself like the sad sod I am.